Absence

the precise moment. actions and words and thoughts. all present in the same moment. but as usual, all incoherent. one momentary lack of concentration and then the effect is prominent. not always, but sometimes. drops of blood trickle as you play with the knife, points lost. a pinch too much of salt, ecstasy lost. punctuations misplaced, the song is left undone. chocolate, coffee and cigarettes, off-white; the light dimmed. scarf around the face, warm breath and vision blurred. no brakes, soles burnt. a sick and twisted mind, yes. my hands are on the keyboard. my mind is on something, my eyes are on everything and i know, eventually, the spirit always dies away. forgiveness i ask, from no one but myself :)

elusive end...

I'm tired. Not for the day! Not from studies! I'm so tired. It's such a sick world. I'm tired of watching, tired of thinking. I'm tired of trying to decide. Choices and reasons mingle with my pityful mind, desolating all my actions. Vision blurred, sounds muffled, decisions diverted and shame washed away. I need a sense higher than reason. I don't need faith. I need clarity. I need help! Yes, I'm tired. Legs thrown and head under the blanket. Naked sleep, thats also what I need. I want the end. But, I know its never coming. It's such a sick world. Life's such a bitch.... SKAG.. I want my skag back. It helps me forget, my purpose and my troubles. And maybe, maybe it'll show me the end...

I'm Broken!

I wonder if we'll smile in our coffins while loved ones
Mourn the day, the absence of our faces, living, laughing,
Eyes awake. Is this too much for them to take?

Too young for ones conclusion, the lifestyle won.
Such values you taught your son. That's how.

Look at me now. I'm broken.
Inherit my life.

One day we all will die, a cliched fact of life. Force fed
To make us heed. Inbred to sponge our bleed. Every
Warning, a leaking rubber, a poison apple for mingled
Blood. Too young for ones delusion the lifestyle cost
Venereal Mother embrace the los$. That's how

Look at you now. You're broken
Inherit your life.

~drag back to reality~

What's that drag? (no aerodynamics here).. It's my relapse. It's my walk, walk into super-consciousness.. To truth? nahh.. Truth is still very far from here. It is my drag to present. No matter how much I try, the damn sKag still tempts me. Questions of when, where, should, would. What next? Why? I await all the answers. Peace for my mind. It's like football where everyone runs after that same damn ball, my mind never stops yearning for immortality. Still its not the undying that I desire, its the spirit. How I wish a shrink would read everything above and tell me what I need and what is wrong with me.
How I wish I still had some of the diesel with me. The high ride I still remember and miss. My ticket away from the stupid puppet show that is inside of my head. My ticket to the hopeless suspended animation.

Chop your breakfast on a mirror....
Master of Puppets - hear me scream !

freedom.

Strings bind me, only music can set me free.

Canvas binds me, only colours can set me free.

Words bind me, only thoughts can set me free.

Only through closed eyes I can see, 'coz THIS WORLD blinds me.

Freedom. To get freedom, I have to become a rebel, not a rebel; a radical, a heresy. I'll have to fight everything I've ever known. I have to fight tradition, break off of society 'coz they're prisons designed to suffocate me from my freedom. Every custom in our tradition leads us further from the truth. Everything I've been taught since I was a kid keeps me further away from freedom. Teachers who told me what to think and what to see were my enemies who took my freedom. Relations, responsibilities, commitments keep pulling me away from freedom. Who is supposed to have the carte blanche for my life? Not me? Do you have freedom? Democracy? What a joke. Freedom can't be political. It is philosophical, it is spiritual. Freedom is divine. Freedom is not racial, it is not sexual. Freedom is not even human. Even my dog deserves her freedom! Freedom is celestial, it is cosmic.

Freedom is only what we've heard it is. Freedom is only what we know we've been needing to feel. Freedom is something we can never have nor see nor feel! Freedom is instantaneous, 'coz we touch death at the moment we're free...................

Till Eternity

I'm looking up, I'm looking down,

but I can't see your face.

I've searched everywhere in my memory.

Are you real or are you fake?

Do you even exist in the first place?

Tell me, now please don't lie!

And I've been going searchin, searchin

looking for you everywhere...

Please tell me, where you'd be.

I'd come by to take you away.

Hands in hands we'd go everywhere

walk ok .. till eternity.....

Eternity.......

Walk till eternity...

How much longer would you hide from me,

Under that velvet sea?

You know I'm tired of this mystery!

An imaginary lover is what I've got,

or at least its what I think.

She never ever shows her face to me!

And I've been going searchin, searchin

looking for you everywhere...

Please tell me, where you'd be...

I'd come by to take you away,

hands in hands we'd go everywhere

walk ok .. till eternity.....

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Mushroom+Cult/

Manifestation of Uncertainty

Uncertainty, is an aspect of our psychology, and is definitely a very influential one. All the probabilities and the complications of all the incalculable variables of our lives lead to uncertainty. Not everyone knows just how big an impact this uncertainty has on our lives. Uncertainty leads to fear, and fear is the dark path of destruction. It will give us no peace of mind. All that is gifted to us by uncertainty are our own ambiguous thoughts which are so randomized that they swerve past our neurons like cars on winter ice, some thoughts don’t even stay long enough for us to comprehend them. Uncertainty imposes all kinds of anxiousness and sufferings on us. It approaches with utter gentleness and before our mind can feel the happening, it is seized in a deadly grasp of fear.

Mankind has been searching for certainty or stability in their lives since the beginning of intelligence. Almost all of them have failed. Certainty is not what we have to look for, it is peace of mind. And peace of mind can be found by only one means, by letting go of all the fear and embracing that uncertainty; to realize that that everything has to be lost one day and to be happy and satisfied with that realization. Once we see this as the ultimate truth, we will attain pure bliss, true happiness. It really doesn’t matter, we could go on with our ambitions in life; or we could live as if there would be no tomorrow. As long as we keep in mind that life is uncertain and welcome the unexpected, any lifestyle can flow with a frictionless stream of joy.

The incalculable variable – uncertainty, hinders our path to happiness and blurs every righteous vision of truth. It helps all the wrong emotions from the dark side of our mind to blossom. It is the root of all anger, pain, jealousy and hatred. It is the root of all ‘evil’. It doesn’t bring disarrays only to our lives; it has brought havoc to the whole world. All the tears, the dead trees, the power hunger, everything are uncertainty’s manipulations over minds of people. That last sentence might sound odd or boisterous. But if we dig into it and analyse them to the roots, we will find the relationship between uncertainty and things like power-hunger, phlegmatism,etc. The connection between all these miserable happenings with uncertainty is not hard to comprehend. This truth can be realized by even the most futile minds, but it sometimes evades brains of even great aptitudes. It only depends on the desire to know the truth; self-realization is always ready to glow out within every one of us.

We need to clear our mind, realize the truth. We need to concentrate to finish any task we may have at our hands. We need to forget about the past because it will change nothing, it does not matter, no more. We have to let the future happen and expect nothing because we cannot command any occurrences. All we got to do is to keep our mind where it should be, in the present. It will come to us – peace of mind. No more haunting, no more fear!

Someone once said, “I was born with nothing. Nothing I have is truly mine. I will die with nothing.”

Nothing lasts forever.